2.6.16

Dear Love

Dear Love,

So many things and nothing have happened in my life lately. I don’t know with whom I can share this with, but I know I need to share this before I go mental. So I thought, I could send this to you.

I know we haven’t seen each other in years. I know we ended things and you might not care at all about me now. But I also know, once you’re the only person in the world who gets me, and to be honest, I haven’t met anyone like you again. So here it goes, long stupid inane stories of what happened lately in my life.

You might not open this letter; you might just see my name on the envelope and chuck this shit out. You might open it, and read the first paragraph and say “Fuck it, I don’t need this shit.” But you might still be the nice, sweet man I once knew, and power through and read the whole thing.

Anyway, I just need to write this. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

Remember when I told you I sometimes get sad for no reason? Remember that? Yeah, I know you could see through that blatant lie. I know you know exactly why I get sad. I know you know exactly why at  times I spend the better part of the day crying like a moron. 

It's happening again. But relax, I haven't started drinking again, just the crying part. I feel like I need to start anew, clean slate and all. Maybe move to a new city? I don't know. 

Oh, do you still remember the first time we met? I don’t think I will ever forget it. I was running around with my giant backpack and knock you over with it. Me, an awkward, nerdy, bespectacled 18 year old girl, knocked over a tall, long-haired, tattooed-man who was just standing around talking on the phone.  

I was terrified, and you were pissed. At least you were until you see the look on my face, because just as you land your eyes on me, you started laughing like a mad man. Then you suddenly hugged me and said “It’s okay love, I’m alright. Go about your business now.” And of course, me, being a stupid little girl, fall in love with you right there and then.  Oh how I loved you. It was the kind of love you can only feel when you’re 18. It was intense, rapid, and encloses your world like a thick fog. 

Somehow our mutual love towards the same music, jokes, food, books, and movies bond us together. Somehow, in each other, we found the one who can sit, eagerly listening to our stories and say “I KNOW!!” at the end of it. Somehow, we fell in love with each other at the same time, and at the same way.  (How ironic is it that I’m currently listening to ‘Girls’ by 1975 while I’m writing this? Seriously, the lyrics go “But she can’t be what you need, if she’s 17. They’re just girls.”)
Fall in love with each other at the same time and in the same way. Isn’t that what we’re all really looking for? To find the right person, at the right time, in the right way. That’s just the best. Even now, at 30, I still find that to be the best. To find the right person, and to fall in love at the same time, in the same way, even if I still don't know what love actually is. 

I don't know if it's true or not, because to this day I'm still reluctant to go see a professional and get diagnosed, but I still think I'm a bit damaged. I think what ever happened in the past left a big dent in me. I walk around wondering if everyone is feeling the same way. Do they have bad days too? Do they have days when they can't leave the bed? Do they have moments when they're just walking around feeling okay and suddenly this rush of feeling come and blanketed them, and they can feel the tears coming? Do they have this primal need to simply be held? Do they do things just so someone would cuddle them and for an hour or two they don't feel so cripplingly lonely? Do they have meaningless sex with strangers just so they don't feel so detached from everything? Do they go after random people and get rejected over and over and over and still don't learn a lesson? Do they? 

Or are they all genuinely happy? Are they truly content, satisfied, and joyful? Do they only have good days? Do they only get attached to those who reciprocate the feelings? Do they go to work and feel accomplished? Do they look at their family and feel thankful and blessed by how much they are loved and love them back? Do they? Are those what happy people do? 

Do you remember the last time we met? I was about to move to a new city to study, and you were about to start your hundredth stint at rehab. I promised I will stay in contact, and you promised you will finally kicked your addiction. We hugged, we kissed, we had sex, even though we told everyone we broke up weeks before. I got so busy with school and part-time job, and new friends, new city, new men, new everything, and forgot to contact you as often. You got busy too, I guess. You got new friends, new projects, new girlfriend. We just organically grew apart. How strange. One time you were the single most important person in my life, and the next, you were just some guy I used to date. How strange. 

Wait, what was it that I need to write about? Oh, yeah, me and my miserable life (how is it miserable when I have everything I need to survive and thrive? I am such a spoiled little brat). I cry mostly in fetal position. Sometimes while saying to myself over and over again "I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna feel this anymore, I don't want this anymore. No, Not anymore." This doesn't happen everyday, so, it's not so bad. But when it's bad, I just feel like I need to talk to someone, and that someone is usually you. But you're not here anymore. Hence the letter, I guess. 

Anyway, I'll get better, or maybe not, but I'll be okay either way. This is not new, and I've always managed to be okay at the end. I just need to vent for a bit. 

Oh, and I miss you :) haha. 

That's all. 

You be good, and may life also be good. 

1 comment: