27.12.16

On 2016

2016 was hard. It was probably the worst year of my life. Wait, the worst year of my life, so far.

I'm a pretty sheltered person. My life, if we don't count a few things that I managed to pushed to the back of my mind for 20 years, has been really good. My family always have a bit of money, and even when we don't, it's middle class version of not having money.

I never went hungry involuntarily, never without a roof over my head, never without means to further my education or broaden my social life. I never really suffer.

I have a pretty face, a good enough brain, a kind heart, and a body that, well, functioning well. I am privileged and lucky. Life has been good to me. So when I said 2016 was hard, it was hard because of me. Things didn't happen to me, I happened to things.

Growing up, things came easy to me. I was always in the top 3 of my class in school (well, in primary school, in junior high I was still in top 10, while high school? Blah, my high school ranking system was weird) I got accepted to one of the top universities in my country, and then went on to pursued my master degree in a first world country. I always have friends, my family, although isn't your typical lovey dovey perfect movie family, is alright.

Life has been good to me.

Life has been good to me.

But then, something just went....wrong in 2016.

But I made it bad. I did things that I shouldn't.

I was the problem, not the situation. Everything that went wrong, I was the cause. I set the movement. I struggle to handle a new discovery. There were things that bubbling up to the surface, things that I've repressed for years. And it wrecked me.

It made me go mental and started to reached out in the wrong way. I looked for love and affection and acknowledgement in men. And got rejected. again. and again. and again. Which if course, in the end, wrecked me even more.

And I wallow. In self pity.

And I acted out, like a petulant child demanding attention.

In self sabotaging moves.

Over. and over. and over.

And of course, things didn't go my way.

2016 was a bad year, but because I made it bad.

I lost a friend in 2016, but maybe it was because I failed to make him feels that he matters. Maybe it was because I didn't do the necessary thing because I was afraid he would hate me.

I caught an illness in 2016, but it was because I was reckless and stupid. Really, really stupid.

I got my heart broken in 2016, it was because I was being unrealistic and not knowing my place. and too clingy. And to naive to realized, the bed was where the connection started and ended.

I had a hard time dealing with hatred in my heart, but it was because I refused to take responsibility for my actions. And because I refused to consult a professional to help me deal with my mental health issue and past experience.

2016 was bad, but it was self inflicted.

I just realized.

2016 was my biggest, deepest, self inflicted wound.

It really was the year of the reckless.

Here's to 2017, a year of change.

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